Spending time with someone, giving them your attention is the most precious act of love.
In my interactions with Christians and Christian communities in the Netherlands and around Europe I have noticed something; a deep hunger and longing for a personal intimate relationship with God, often by those born into a Christian family or those who grew up in one. Some don’t understand it, others have no idea what it is like and a lot of persons would like to develop it – develop a personal, practical, active relationship with God.
So, in this article I use the concept of dating someone to explain what a personal relationship with God is like, how it can be developed, nurtured and enjoyed in the type of society we live. I hope it brings you some value and speaks to your heart. It’s a long read so get some popcorn.
Part one
What “Dating someone” is like.
As defined and practiced in popular culture, dating can be pretty different from dating someone. A compound but short way of putting it is that “Dating someone” is being in an exclusive romantic relationship with someone. But I like how Colleen healy defines it;
Dating someone means you’re seeing somebody specific, with purpose and on a regular basis.
This definition will be split into parts and used to explain the concept of dating someone and what it entails.
seeing someone specific
Although different people may define dating someone differently, on a global scale the idea is the same at the core. Spending time with and giving your attention to a specific person that you like and have some feelings for. Seeing someone specific in the sense of two people meeting and spending time together, having conversations, engaging in social activities together, often to know each other more
on a regular basis
“On a regular basis” stresses not only a uniform, reoccurring pattern but it also stresses the frequency of times you spend together. Under normal circumstances dating someone would not be spending time with the person once in a long while, without any other form of communication. You must be investing some planned and unplanned amount of time together on a frequent basis.
with purpose
Dating someone is usually with a goal, and most times the goal is to know the other person more and to be known by the other person more. To develop a strong sense of relationship with each other, to be around them, to share your life with them and ultimately to assess the possibility of having a lifelong intimate relationship with them. Therefore, dating someone usually is intentional, deliberate and a priority.
Love is a word made of two syllabi, the first is spelt “Time” and the second is “Action”
What happens when dating someone and as a result of Dating someone?
With the definition of dating someone expanded above, here is an explanation of more detailed activities that often comes up when dating someone, how it often translates into a committed lifelong intimate relationship, marriage. And how Developing a personal relationship with God is just like that, taking a similar form.
The Basics.
First you like someone, you also think they may like you, so you ask them out on a date, you try to get to know them. Maybe you already know their first name, so you ask more about them, their other names… You ask them to tell you more about themselves after which you also say something about yourself.
A wide range of things could come up in this conversation, their passion, interests, life’s philosophy or mantra. Their believe system, their first impression of you and so on, maybe a previous relationship they had might be briefly mentioned.
When starting a relationship with God, the basics is pretty much as explained above, think of it for a second. I mean with the added fact that God already knows you, likes you, loves you and wants a personal, intimate relationship with you.
So, like you would when dating someone, you could start by telling him your name, your story, the other gods you’ve had intimate relationships with. Your likes, impression of him, your believes (maybe believes even about him) As you talk, He will listen. Then you can also ask him to tell you about himself, to tell you his other names, to reveal himself more to you so you can know him more. You have these conversations as you would on a date with someone, because if you ask him out, He will surely say yes and will show up. But remember you have to ask.
Spending time together.
Frequently spending quality time together is an integral part of building a good relationship with someone you’re dating. You prioritize being in the presence of the other. You plan dates, do things together, like cycling up a mountain, walking through nature, going to parks, reading a book together, game nights, the list goes on, and of course the choice can depend on personal preferences. This way you also get to figure out what you enjoy doing together while enjoying the blissful presence of each other.
One important thing though is the frequency, not necessarily the type of activity you both do, the goal is to spend time together, often. Enjoying it. And the attention you give to each other in those moments. For you can spend time on something without giving it your attention.
The same applies to developing a relationship with God, you must prioritize it, it has to matter to you. To be more practical which is part of the point of this post; you could spend time with God taking a walk, sitting in the park, you can have conversations with him while you cycle.
You also have to plan dates with him where you spend hours conversing with Him, in prayer, mediation etc. (But remember to also listen) As you spend this time with Him, you begin to figure out what both of you enjoy more. In which activity or scenario, you pay more attention, in which he speaks more clearly or speaks at all. (Or where His voice is most audible to you) There was a time when I cycled an hour every morning in the weekend, this soon became a good time for me to have some conversations with him as I cycled, often in tongues and days like that turned out very different, and more fulfilled.
You become like each other.
As you spend time with your significant other, have experiences together both good and the bad you begin to bond together and influence each other, become like each other.
There is a quote from Sidney Poiter I like a lot.
When you go for a walk with someone, something unspoken happens unconsciously, either you adjust to their pace or they adjust to yours.
There is an experiment by Robert Zajonc, a psychologist that shows that couples grow to look like each other over time. You’ve probably noticed this before, from some couple or your parents.
The same is applicable in an intimate, personal relationship with God, over time you begin to look more like him. You adjust to his pace as you walk with him, spend more time with him and continue to long for Him.
Difficult conversations and disagreement.
Conversations are the life blood of relationships; it’s how you get to basically know each other. But some conversations are difficult to have, and the reason is numerous and can vary from person to person. Talking about past relationships can be a difficult conversation for you, talking about something in the past or even in the present that you are not proud of.
It could be telling your partner something that you don’t like about him and would appreciate if he can make some adjustment or change. He may be a great guy and everything you have dreamed off but don’t like how he kisses you. The list can go on and many people shy away from such conversations, a lot avoid it and for seemingly good reasons but there’s a twist to that.
Difficult conversations are difficult mostly because vulnerability, high emotions are at stake in it. Contrary to our instinct to completely avoid them, we shouldn’t, for they strengthen good relationships and continue to build trust.
In your relationship with God, you sometimes need to have difficult conversations with Him. It may be something about what you believe or did from dating other gods, maybe it’s a conversation about his given word that you find the manifestation slow or difficult to see in your life. It could be about your relationship with Him, how you feel He didn’t really listen to that talk you had last month while cycling. You get the idea now, I hope.
Having these conversations strengthens your relationship with Him.
Building Trust and confidence.
As you spend more time with your partner, you know them more, become more like them in certain ways, you can predict some of their actions. They also tell you in advance before they do something. You build trust and confidence in each other in the process, so to an extent you can tell what they will and will not do.
As you spend time building a relationship with God, you get to know him more, you also get to be known by HIM. You get inside information, sometimes before an event happens you will be told. You build trust and confidence in him. And this increases with time, consistency and grace. As a personal experience, the more I trust God the more I have to trust him.
Cheating
As in every other thing, cheating is one of the most betraying and heart-breaking things to do in a relationship. And often it happens for different reasons. When a partner cheats in a relationship the other person feels betrayed, trust is broken, confidence shattered. On the receiving end it’s an experience no one really wants to have. And a lot of times the person who falls, feels regret afterwards, with his or her actions having consequences. But some couples have survived such tragedy and are recovering/recovered from it to build trust, confidence and stay committed in the relationship again.
In a relationship with God, we can break his trust and confidence by way of cheating. And like a partner on the receiving end he feels hurt when we do (we break our commitment with him). Sometimes as the cheating partner we can feel regret, shame, resentment too. The big difference though is that God is always ready with his arms open wide to receive us back in forgiveness. And he does not keep count of our sins, he forgives us for his own sake and remembers them not.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 KJV)
“I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. (Isaiah 43:25 ESV)
You can read part two of this post here
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