Narratives; how the story we tell ourselves about ourselves drive our life.

The stories we tell ourselves often become our conviction(s).
And our drive is more authentic, resilient and voracious in the direction of our conviction.

We tell ourselves stories every so often. Whether these stories are true or false, that we tell ourselves these stories and believe them is what matters most times; for our lives are driven in their direction.

A narrative is defined as a spoken or written account of connected events, a story.

Self-Narratives.

Self-Narratives are the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. The interpretation of events, happenings in our lives, the stories and what they represent to us and/or what we make them represent. But something is for sure; that we all tell ourselves stories or hold a specific version of a story about ourselves.

And the version, the details we choose to focus on or believe, the interpretations we give these stories have great influence on our lives and how we treat ourselves. They influence how we direct our lives consciously or unconsciously.

In this post I will explore how important self-narratives are, how we can change them to change the drive and motivation for our lives.

Here is some example of self-narratives:

I failed mathematics in high school, so I am not good at mathematics. Therefore, I won’t be able to study any science related course in university.
Susan on getting her fifth rejected job application email on a Monday evening, says this; “Failure is not a closed door. No is not a rejection”
It took six of my brothers x number of years to get married, so I know I won’t get married before x number of years.
I passed mathematics in high school, so I will be able to study pretty much any science related course I want.
Do you know that kind of background I come from? There is no way I can ever do x or y. There is no way x and y can ever happen for me.

By now I hope you get the picture a little bit. We tell ourselves stories from events in our lives and sometimes the interpretations we give them are illogical, ridiculous, less accurate than they truly are or not accurate at all, or the interpretation does not help us to move forward in progress.

Remember:

Our drive is more authentic, resilient and voracious in the direction of what (we think) we know or believe.

How the stories we tell ourselves shapes our life.

The point here is to show how the story we tell ourselves (can) have great impacts on our lives. For example, the story in 1) will motivate the person to choose from a certain group of courses to study in the university, and by extension what s/he gets to spend more of her/his time doing or studying, what career s/he will have and perhaps how happy s/he becomes.

The impact of one small story is tremendous and that is why one good decision based on the story we tell ourselves can put us forever on a path of fulfilment. Just to be clear the story in example one may be true, and the choice that the story motivates might be the best outcome for the person, the point though is to show how the story itself can drive our choice, action, inaction and ultimately our lives.

Why we tell ourselves the stories we do.

I think we tell ourselves specific stories because of many reasons and one of them is because of “what we value” “what we want.”

Sometimes we tell ourselves stories because we don’t have all the information or because we are not seeing/analyzing the situation well or because we want to be right or realistic. Other times we tell ourselves specific stories because of some other story or outdated stories we still hold about ourselves.

Our real Why.

There is a reason we tell ourselves stories; because something matters to us, because we want to achieve something, because we want to provide explanation to something, because we would like something to be in a certain way. So we tell ourselves stories explaining or trying to explain why they are not. But it is important to keep in mind that we are telling ourselves a specific story for a reason.

And It’s easy to forget the main reason why we’re telling ourselves a story but it’s necessary not to forget that, in the end that’s what matters most. It’s important to note the real why. The real why of example 1) may be because the individual would like to explore the option of doing a science course in the university.

Story telling in two forms.

I think we should tell ourselves stories that moves us in the direction that we want to go. But to do this we have to tell ourselves stories in two forms.

The first story: The Standstill story

The second story: The Moving story

The first story: The Standstill story

This is the story where you state the facts as truthful and objective as possible without any conclusion(s). You analyze an event, reflect on them to simply state the facts without jumping to any conclusion(s).

Considering example 1) the fact in that self-Narrative is the standstill story “In high school I failed mathematics.” And you could go further to add the reason if you are sure of it or can be sincere enough about the reason: “In high school I failed mathematics because I didn’t do my home work or maybe it was because I had a mathematics teacher that wasn’t good at teaching” Your first story should take this form without conclusions.

The second story: The Moving story

The second story is the story where you add stuff to the first story

The second story moves you in the direction of what you want. From the first story you have only told yourself the fact (I hope truthfully) now you have to edit that first story a little bit in a way that sets you up to achieve your “real why.” To help you achieve what you ultimately want.

You have to retell the standstill story in a way that allows you to move forward, forward in the direction you want to go and not in the direction that restate or reinforces story one or in a way that continues to make story one true. No.

The goal of a second story is to change the fact of story one, to add something to the first story that helps you alter the facts of the standstill story but in the direction you truly want to go.

So, by implication the conclusion of The Moving story should lead you to achieve what you want. Sounds simple but in the moment, it is less obvious.

Using the same example above, editing the story could be something like this.

“In high school I failed mathematics because I often didn’t do my homework. (Full stop) If I do more homework now and practice-exercise, I should be better at it.”

“In high school I failed mathematics because I had a math teacher that wasn’t good at teaching. (Full stop) I think if I invest some time to watch YouTube tutorials, if I sign up for personal tutorial classes, if I ask someone who is better at teaching to teach me, I will become good at math.”

This way you have added to story one, you have edited it a little bit but in a direction that moves you forward. The second story is called The moving story not only because it moves you in the direction you want but also because the story can be edited and reedited if it doesn’t move you to the point you desire.

The way to achieve this is through reflection, becoming actively aware of the story you tell yourself, you have to be actively honest with yourself.

How to change the story we tell ourselves

Telling yourself two stories requires attention, conscious reflection and honesty

You have to be honest about the facts of story one, to be honest about the standstill story you have to pay attention to what the facts are without being over clouded by your emotions. Maybe your teacher was actually good at teaching and you just didn’t practice enough, or maybe you never really took time to practice or you were just scared of trying. Whatever it is, you have to be honest about it without making conclusions just yet. But sometimes we think we are being honest, but we aren’t, and we are completely unaware of the fact. Perhaps we honestly don’t have access to the facts, so we make assumptions to tell our stories.

Susan in the second example who thinks that failure is not a closed door and that “no” is not a rejection tells herself that story so she can move on with sending out more applications. This way she doesn’t take the rejections personal or dwell on them in a way that put her down. This in itself can be a great response and strategy.

The thing with story one though is that sometimes we might not know what the facts are or what the true story really is, it’s our responsibility to find that out if we can, and when we can’t we should proceed to telling our self a second story that somehow moves us a little further in the direction of what we want.

So, it could be that Susan’s application was rejected because her resume had a lot of typographical errors in it or because she mistakenly applied for the wrong position or because there was a more qualified candidate. The possibilities are numerous. And as much as it is recommended to find out what the fact (the standstill story) is, the most important thing is completing that story, filling in the gaps in a way that helps her move forward. So she could review her application documents and continue to send them out.

Becoming actively aware of the stories we tell ourselves

Looking back as a way to move forward. – Reflection

In reflection we have to see that we are telling ourselves a story and we need to access whether that story is true or not, then we have to figure out if the story helps us in the direction we want to go or not. We should access what part of our lives these stories drive and if that is the direction we want to be headed.

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