A good life, a really good life is built with good relationships.
Introduction
Friendship is a mutual affection, a strong interpersonal (usually non-sexual) bond between people. And one of the fully human of all loves. 1
As C. S. Lewis reports, “To the ancient, Friendship is regarded as one of the most valued of all human loves but the modern world in comparison ignores it. Even though we admit that, of course besides a wife or husband and family, a man or woman needs a few friends.” We still do not value it. We ignore it, refuse to commit, invest or nurture it either in action or by the lack of it.
In my opinion, the first reason why few value good friendship is because very few experience it.
So, like me, you might wonder “Why is something this important ignored by many and why do few experience it?” Even though we all agree on the importance of good friendship, why do few experience it? This question and many more have led me to investigate this topic and of course, write this post,”
I have recently wondered why some people do not value friendships that much and why it has been more difficult to make very close new friends, how the attitude towards friendship differ between cultures, and most importantly, why friendships in modern society are deeply transactional and superficial.
I was talking to someone some time back from a different culture, and it was interesting to hear his experience with friendships, which was on this superficial and transactional level as well. I have equally spoken to other friends and heard the opinions of outsiders on this, and I couldn’t help but want to read more about it and of course, write this post.
So, what is this article about?
In this post I will talk about what friendship really is, some of its nature, characteristics and if I may say its anatomy, how different cultures think and approach friendship, some of my personal experiences with friendships, and how they have unconsciously shaped my attitude towards new friendships. I will also explore the importance of true/good friendships and how to get better at developing one and conclude with some of the most important points.
What is friendship?
As I stated earlier, Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. Between friends, it is a common interest, shared value, or truth. Friendship at the beginning and often at the core is started to be about something. Although over time, this common thing may change or fade, the affection will continue to grow and be present and may even be the knot that ties the bond long-term.
Lewis in his book The Four loves, writes about friendship as one of the four loves and one of the most important too. I like the description of how he captures friendship:
“Friendship arises out from mere companionship when two or more companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even tasks which the others do not share, and which till that moment each believed to be his/her own unique treasure (burden). The typical expression of opening friendships would be something like; “what? you too? I thought I was the only one”.
He also described it as the least natural of loves (as opposed to romantic loves) such that, you don’t see someone and instantly say “wow, I want that person to be my friend”. It is something that will evolve over time often with the efforts and contributions of those involved and common shared ground.
There is current research that supports this. Hall and his colleagues in a study revealed that it takes between 40-60hours to form a casual friendship, 80-100hours to transition to be a friend, and more than 200hours to become “good friends”. Note that this time is estimated in in-person interactions. Thus, it is important to understand the required investments that go into friendship and why Lewis would describe it as the least natural of love.
Furthermore, he noted that it is essentially between individuals, and the moment two men are friends, they have in some degree drawn apart from the crowd. He also notes that this relationship, when such common ground arises between different sexes, the friendship which results between them, will very easily pass and may pass up in the first half-hour into Erotic love. Unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both love someone else. Otherwise, the intentions of such a friendship should be restated clearly.
It is such an important point to make obvious and be aware of. So much so that some people do not believe that only good friendship can exist between two sexes without eroticism.
And as it has been the experience of others, the moment a person is being nice or intentionally kind to the opposite sex, it is often interpreted as a show of romantic interest in the other. Again, I think this speaks volumes of how much our society has changed when it comes to friendship and the interpretation of the motives behind kindness.
Cultural differences in friendship
Given that all societies are not the same, the idea of friendship; what it means, and its importance varies from culture to culture. What people expect from friendship, the role it plays, and the commitment dedicated to the idea are often different in different societies, cultures, countries, and even between genders.
In some cultures, the idea of friendship is characterized more by emotional intimacy, placing more value on connectedness, understanding each other, and being understood than just having mere common values or having activities or functions in common. For example, in a study carried out, it showed that participants from the Chinese culture placed more importance and emphasis on the moral quality of close friendship and the connection of friendship and society more than Western participants did. It also showed that they were more altruistic (showing a selfless concern for the wellbeing of others) towards the third person.
The western participants focused predominantly on interaction qualities and promise-keeping and in particular in late adolescence on relationship intimacy.
To paint a better picture of this, Aliya Sagandykova gives two vivid examples that drive home how different this idea of friendship is in different cultures. Her American friend once told her,
“You know, I have a friend in the US. We used to play golf every other weekend. We are friends, golf friends. And here is the line. Everything else is outside this relationship.”
She also recounts her tour guide in Spain making a similar point;
“I have been living in Spain for 11 years and, of course, I have friends. We usually have a nice time together. We can share thoughts, debate and give each other presents. But there is a barrier that starts at any problematic point. We are friends, but every single person is responsible for his or her life and there is no way to share this responsibility. Your problems are just yours. You have to find a solution yourself.”
The most surprising thing has been my findings in writing this post. Different factors play a major role in the type of friendships common in different cultures and what people value or prioritize in friendship such as the number of friends or the quality of friends and their expectations from the friendships. In Individualistic countries, people often tend to attribute their lack of interaction with friends as their main source of loneliness while those in collective cultures, commonly attribute the poor quality of familiar relationships as their main source of loneliness.
Types of friendship
Aristotle explains that friendships are in degrees or have levels to them, so for anyone to think that there is only one kind of friendship is then to be mistaken. There is of course more than one species/type of friendship as will be explained subsequently.
Friendship based on utility
In Friendship based on utility, people relate, and associate based on their mutual usefulness. These friendships are transactional either legally or morally. It is founded and based on trading utilities or favors. People who love each other for their utilities do so on the basis of some good which they get from each other and not based on the love they have for each other.
E.g., My tailor is my friend because he sews my cloth the way I want them and on time. I am his friend because he wants my business. My mechanic is my friend because he benefits from me by fixing my car and I am his friend because he wants my business (fixes my car for pay). My classmate is my friend because he is good at physics and poor at mathematics and I’m good at Mathematics but could often use help with physics. We can help each other out when we study. My barber is my friend because he gives me a good cut and I am his friend because I bring him business. etc. These friendships are transactional at the core either formally or informally. It is founded and based on trading favors and utilities.
And those who love for the sake of utility love for the sake of what is good for themselves and not because the other person is loved but in so far as s/he is useful. So that the other person is not loved for necessarily being the man or person that he is but, because of the good he gives. This type of friendship is easily dissolved as soon as the parties do not remain mutually useful in the ways in which the friendship was formed. As such these friendships are by nature, selfishly motivated but mutually satisfactory. Now, the usefulness is not permanent but is always changing thus, when the motive of the friendship is done away with, the friendship is dissolved; in as much as it existed only for the ends in question. Also, the parties in this kind of friendship sometimes do not even find each other pleasant but will associate and relate on the basis of their usefulness.
Friendship based on pleasure.
In this type of friendship, people relate and associate for the sake of sensual pleasure. Those who love for the sake of pleasure do so for the sake of what is pleasant to themselves and not, in so far as the other human is the person loved but in so far as s/he is pleasant.
“It is not for their character that men love readily witted people but because they find them pleasant.” 2
This friendship just like friendship based on utility are only incidental; in the words of Aristotle, for it is not as being the man that he is, that the loved one is loved but by providing some good or pleasure.
An example of this kind of friendship is the guy you have a drink with because he is fun and witty, it could also be the friend you play football with every weekend or someone you have a chit-chat with and enjoy a good joke with because s/he is hilarious.
Like all other physical pleasures, sexual pleasure in the realm of “friends with benefits” falls under this category too. So, the person you’ve been hooking up with is an example of this because the foundation of that is the pleasure it brings you both.
Relationships or friendships founded in pleasure do not last for they go away as soon as the pleasure point is gone and what people find pleasurable changes with time. This is also why relationships founded on good sex have been said to fail the test of time, as soon as the sex becomes less pleasant or less fun, there appears no other reason to be with the person because the relationship or friendship was based on that.
In general, and like friendship based on utility, this type of friendship based on pleasure is self-regarding, self-focused, and often selfish but pleasing and self-satisfactory. Hopefully not surprising, this kind of friendship is/can also be important too.
Friendship based on Goodness (alike-virtue)
This is regarded as the perfect friendship.
It is the friendship of men who are good and alike in virtue for they wish each other well (alike- as being good) and they are good themselves.
For those who wish well to their friends for their (friend’s) sake are truly friends, for they do this by reason of their own nature and not incidentally (i.e., not by chance or accident) so their friendship lasts as long as they are good, and goodness is an enduring thing.
Each is good without condition to his/her friend. They are both good and useful to each other. They are also pleasant; for the ‘good’ are pleasant both without condition and useful to each other. 3
As might be expected, this type of friendship is more permanent since in it all the qualities that friends should have are found. It is also natural that such friendships should be infrequent, for such men are rare. Furthermore, such friendship requires time and familiarity; as the proverbs say: men cannot know each other until they have eaten salt together nor can they admit each other to friendship or be friends till each has been found lovable and trustworthy by both parties.
An important point is the fact that this type of friendship often contains elements of the other two types: the friendship of utility and pleasure. So, your good friends are often people that are both useful and fun to be with but they’re also and majorly your friends because they are good and want what is good for you because of their nature and you want the same for them too.
Because friendship of utility and pleasure require low investment and commitment, it can appear a lot easier to keep than friendship based on goodness. And because you cannot be deeply connected with everyone you meet, it’s important and okay to have friends that you only have a few things in common with. You don’t have to be deeply connected with all your friends.
More thoughts on the three types of friendship.
One of the things that have bugged me and made me a little uncomfortable with the first and second type of friendship is the transactional expectations of its nature.
It seems to always be the case that for whatever gesture or act rendered there’s an equal and exact expectation that such gestured be returned… (Not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but hear me out)
And not just returned when the opportunity presents itself but there seems to be the tension to find/create a situation where a similar gesture can be reciprocated. Almost like both parties are keeping counts.
Generally speaking, this friendship is of course mostly characterized by utility and pleasure. And for me, it seems to come with a lot of pressure and performance. The pressure to return a favor, the pressure to create an environment where you can return a previously shown favor or even kindness. And this is not a bad thing in itself but knowing that the bond of this friendship is trading of favors tends to build up anxiety as soon as one takes longer to return a favor. The other person feels cheated, feels taken advantage of. It feels more natural and relaxed to be good because you are and not because you want to trade favors.
And for most friendship of pleasure, the constant need and expectation to be a source of entertainment is daunting and undesired. I don’t want to always entertain you; we can do something we both enjoy that brings us pleasure and be a source of pleasure to each other (within the limit of what is right) I think that is fine. But the constant expectation to be entertaining, especially at the random desire of the other is beyond selfish. Perhaps there is even an angle of racial stereotype to it but that could be too far of extrapolation for me to make.
Of course, even in the friendship of good, if someone is a constant and persistent source of discomfort, the other can get tired of such. But the desire, demand, and expectation to be an element of entertainment have always seemed irritating more than it makes me anxious and turned off. It may also be rude, but I agree there is a chance I am over exaggerating here.
The point is (and I hope that becomes clear at the end of this post) of the different kinds of friendship, my experience, and opinion is that “friendship of goodness” is the best. But the other kinds of friendship are also important, and you shouldn’t despise them but know that the more goodness there is in these different types of friendship the better we are for it.
…to be continued in part 2 (Pt2)
Isaac this is brilliant.
You captured it all on this subject.
Great Grace
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