{"id":1591,"date":"2021-12-18T09:03:24","date_gmt":"2021-12-18T09:03:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/isaacodoma.com\/staging\/?p=1591"},"modified":"2024-04-08T13:07:19","modified_gmt":"2024-04-08T13:07:19","slug":"pt2-the-pride-of-friendship-and-why-modern-relationships-are-deeply-transactional-and-superficial","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/isaacodoma.com\/staging\/pt2-the-pride-of-friendship-and-why-modern-relationships-are-deeply-transactional-and-superficial\/","title":{"rendered":"Pt2: The pride of Friendship and why modern relationships are deeply transactional and superficial."},"content":{"rendered":"

A good life, a really good life is built with good relationships.<\/em><\/mark><\/p>\n

…continued from part 1 (Pt1)<\/a><\/p>\n

Different societies, different friendship expectations.<\/h3>\n

The other difference is in the expectation of friendship and how this would differ in other societies. Even where people have very good and healthy relationships, the expectation of friendship still differs (sometimes hugely). For example, if you were sick, your friend will very easily take it on him or herself to take you to the hospital or call your family. In some societies like the individualistic ones, you don’t really need a friend for such (at least that\u2019s what they say) you can call an ambulance, or someone can easily call you one if it is an emergency.<\/p>\n

In a more individualistic society, it seems friendship of utility and pleasure are the most common although strong family ties exist, this bond appears to be more common only within family members. Talking to people, asking questions, and hearing different opinions on this, one of the common reasons why many do not go out for friendship of goodness is because of some bad experience or disappointment in the past. Maybe they trusted a friend and felt disappointed or had some unspoken expectation unmet. So, they were hurt and therefore, not willing to risk that happening again. People are not willing to give this kind of friendship a shot because it feels safe not to, since on the surface it means eliminating the possibility of having your feelings hurt.<\/p>\n

Personal experience and its impact<\/h3>\n

One good thing about writing is how it makes your thoughts clear and how in itself is a good way to reflect. Writing about this topic has made me better understand my approach, response, and handling of the topic friendship.<\/p>\n

I have experienced and continued to do all these three types of friendship. It\u2019s important to also note that I think as much as cultural differences influence the kind and type of friendship common in a particular society, your personality also plays a major role.<\/p>\n

An individualistic society seems to value certain types of relationships more than a collectivist one. So do introverts and extroverts. So yes, the topic can be a complex one to unwound but good for us there’s a lot we already know about it.<\/p>\n

My final thought in this section is how my experience in a more individualist society where the friendship of utility and pleasure is prioritized has changed and influenced my attitude towards friendship. It has made it more difficult to receive favors without anticipating how that favor should be returned. Therefore, it makes giving a lot easier than receiving or asking.<\/p>\n

To be clear; in a perfect friendship, you of course, trade favors, have expectations, but these are not the sole or only motivation for your goodness toward the other person and I think this might be the biggest underlying difference in the other types of friendship. Because your friendship is not rooted in the favors you trade.<\/p>\n

I understand that other people\u2019s experiences are or may be different, so I\u2019ll speak of mine alone. Which has been that in a collective society, more value is placed in the third type of friendship (friendship of goodness) and the cultural dynamics also encourage it if not necessitating it.<\/p>\n

But why is friendship important?<\/h3>\n

We all have an innate desire to be understood, loved, and to love. We need people we can share our lives with. Because a good relationship is at the core of what makes our lives beautiful, happy, and healthy.<\/p>\n

There is a Harvard study<\/a> regarded as the longest-running study on happiness. The study started over 80 years ago (and it\u2019s still ongoing) tracking the lives of 724 men right from their teenage age. Robert Waldinger the fourth director of this study explains in a popular TED Talk<\/a> the three biggest lessons that they\u2019ve learned over the years about relationships which paints an excellent picture of the importance of friendship.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe’ve learned three big lessons about relationships.<\/p>\n

The first is that social connections are really good for us and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they’re physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others<\/em><\/strong> find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely.<\/p>\n

The second big lesson that we learned is that it’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship, but it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters.<\/p>\n

And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains. It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people’s memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can’t count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline.<\/p>\n

And those good relationships, don’t have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn’t take a toll on their memories\u2026<\/p>\n

But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned into relationships, with family, with friends, with community.\u201d<\/p>\n

Why are modern relationships now superficial?<\/h3>\n

If good friendships are this crucial in promoting a good lasting life, why do we ignore it, why are friendships hugely superficial and transactional at their core now?<\/p>\n

Well, like Robert Waldinger pointed out we are human, we want a quick fix. But we are also selfish, we lack genuine interest or fail to show genuine interest in the other. Lack of willingness to commit. We avoid being vulnerable and unwilling to take a risk with friendship all of which could be because of past experiences. Or because we lack goodness in us and so cannot give to others what we don\u2019t have<\/p>\n

How to navigate the path of friendship.<\/h3>\n

Friendship and the maintenance of it is complex. It doesn\u2019t appear so, but the more you look at it the clearer it becomes, you begin to see its many layers, forms, and shapes. One moment you think you\u2019ve figured it out and the next you are surprised by it. But one of the core elements of a healthy, flourishing friendship is the goodness of heart. And understanding.<\/p>\n

This understanding often is developed over time, and it can be very important for its maintenance.<\/p>\n

Navigating and maintaining good friendships is not always glamorous, but it is often worth it. Some friends drift apart, some disappoint us, some leave this world too early. And there is the desire to cling to the people we\u2019ve known all our lives, those we have shared a lot of memories with. But sometimes to sustain friendship we have to learn how to accept distance and when to fight to maintain it. We also need to understand what distance means for our friendship and if our relationship requires constant watering to not die off. You can have a good friend whom you haven\u2019t spoken with in a year but the day you reconnect, you have a good laugh, and you reconnect well such that it will appear as if you both haven\u2019t been apart for a year. We don\u2019t have to lose each other every time our lives are out of sync.<\/p>\n

As you get older you will notice that your friends change, or the dynamics of your old friendships begin to change. It becomes less practical to do the things you used to do together before. It can also seem like you know them less. They might travel to another city, country, or even continent. Your friends will get married, have their own family and kids. And you might no longer know which of their shirts has holes in them or what their favorite hairpin is.<\/p>\n

It can become more difficult to stay in touch with your best friends and the people you grew up with. It doesn\u2019t mean you love them less or care for them less. You still value and cherish them. When this happens especially in the friendships rooted in goodness, you can become separate but still connected.<\/p>\n

Natasha Lunn explains with a beautiful analogy that properly captures this.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t until my late twenties I understood that sometimes old friendships evolve like plants whose roots outgrow their pots: they are still alive, still growing but they need more space to survive. More room to allow new people and experiences in too\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

And most importantly, this is something to not feel terrible about, rather we should accept and embrace these changes that are bound to occur. We will not always be as close to all our friends as we are now or be able to do the same activities we\u2019ve always done, but we can remain connected. And since goodness is an enduring quality, it will be both the bond and grease that hold and ease our friendship together.<\/p>\n

Connectedness<\/h3>\n

One of the key pillars of connectedness is vulnerability. For some people, giving is way easier than receiving. And so can helping be way easier than asking for help. Opening up might be more difficult than listening to others.<\/p>\n

In friendship and building a genuine connection with people, expressing vulnerability can be a big deal, it can be risking a lot, but it\u2019s an indicator of strength than weakness and it strengthens the bond you may already have.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor the longest time, I thought that avoiding vulnerability was strength. It\u2019s not. It takes a lot more strength to make yourself vulnerable than it does to keep the walls up and stay protected.\u201d \u2013 Shane\u00a0 Parish<\/a><\/p>\n

When to let go of a friendship?<\/h3>\n

Over time our friends dissipate and it\u2019s natural and we shouldn\u2019t always take it personally. As a matter of fact, sometimes we have to take a break from certain relationships or completely cut them off.<\/p>\n

But how do we know when to do this?<\/p>\n

\u00a0(This could take an entire post to answer so will keep it short seeing how far this has gone)<\/p>\n

Is it enough when a friend misses our birthdays 3 years in a row or doesn\u2019t show up to our parties?<\/p>\n

The majority of friendship breakups are not because the relationship became toxic but because we grow apart. But when the relationship becomes unhealthy then it might be time to give it a break or permanently cut it off.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/h3>\n

The truth of the matter is we need elements of all the different kinds of friendships in our lives. But the more goodness we have in each type of friendship the better we are for it.<\/p>\n

It is also important to know that we will not have a deep connection with all our friends and all our friendships may not last forever. But I hope this will give you reasons to see the goodness of good friendship and why you should give it more shots.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A good life, a really good life is built with good relationships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1649,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[66,49,25,42,67],"class_list":["post-1591","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-posts","tag-friendship","tag-opinions","tag-pride","tag-reflection","tag-relationship"],"yoast_head":"\nPt2: The pride of Friendship and why modern relationships are deeply transactional and superficial. - 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